I’m not sure I’ve ever felt horror and hunger at the same time.
But visit www.thisiswhyyourefat.com, and there you have it.
It’s a Web site receptacle for pictures and descriptions of such culinary Frankensteins as the “12 Bird True Love Roast,” a gruesome, yet inexplicably tasty-sounding, cast of avian characters wadded together in a loaf: turkey, goose, chicken, pheasant, guinea fowl, partridge, pigeon squab, quail, duck (and at least two bird species I can only describe as “etcetera”). Oh, and some stuffing, in case your guests are vegetarian or just don’t want to fall over dead before dessert.
Items with no nutritional value – snack cakes, processed cheese spread, lard chunks – are fried with hedonistic glee. Fast-food value meals become pizza toppings.
The site boasts a 60-pound rice cereal treat and a candy bar that could beat up a family-sized loaf of bread. The people in the photos with the items look like they’ve just caught a 120-pound sailfish with their bare hands.
Sunday’s Slice featured an article on “good fats” – avocados, nuts, olive oil. But www.thisiswhyyourefat.com is a lineup of bad – or rather heinous – fats (medical term there).
I perused the site for a bit one afternoon last week and suddenly began to wonder when dinnertime was.
That’s the creepy thing. You’re nauseated, yet you think: “How bad could a plate of fried chicken skin be? All the flavor of fried chicken, without the pesky chicken. (Squeal of delight) Is that Spam?!”
The names are the best: The Homewrecker, a deep-fried, mega hot dog with the works; Meat Cake, a three-layer meatloaf patisserie frosted with mashed potatoes and ketchup; McSurf ’N’ Turf, a Filet-O-Fish packed inside a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
I’m not a health columnist. I don’t even have any Band-Aids at my house. But I do know you probably shouldn’t eat an Oreo cookie with more than 30 layers of double-stuff cream precariously piled between its two chocolate wafers. Probably.
I can, however, see the appeal. As a humor columnist who is very hungry as she writes this, I am qualified to say I’d like to know what The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt tastes like.
But I’ve lost nearly 40 pounds in the past few months, and any aspirations of wrapping pizza rolls in waffles just doesn’t fit into my plans.
However, if you’re squeamish and you’re trying to diet, this site is guaranteed to kill your appetite. I’m going to have to stick to sniffing the office fridge and watching babies eat chocolate cookies for that.
Because frankly, there was a time when a Ditch Dog (a hot dog covered in mac ’n’ cheese) sounded like a good idea, not an infarction.
• Jana Thompson can be reached at email@example.com.