It occurs to me that, although I have written a weekly column for this newspaper for seven years, I have never told you the story about how I won the Congressional Medal of Honor for valor on the battlefield.
That’s because in 2005, Congress passed the Stolen Valor Act, which makes it a federal offense to lie about being awarded medals you’ve never earned. And since I never won a military medal of any kind, I can’t tell you that stunning story about how I won the Congressional Medal of Honor for valor on the battlefield.

Because now, besides being a lie, it would also be a federal crime.

Still, in my defense, it’s not entirely my fault I never won that medal. As I understand it, the medal is only given to those who exhibit exceptional service in America’s military. And since I was never in the military, I am ineligible to receive it.