I used to be a jogger. I’d get up early in the morning and put on my jogging outfit.

This ensemble consisted of my well-worn faded blue 100 percent cotton sweats, my 80 percent off Kohl’s gym shoes, and my Cubbies cap with 0 percent World Series experience.

Notice that I didn’t mention anything made of Spandex. The word “spandex” actually comes from the rearranging of the letters of the word “expands.” Since the purpose of my jogging is to de-expand, I thought it would be psychologically counterproductive to wear this fabric. Now if they had a material called “Remsped” that came from the letters of the words “Mr. Speed,” then I’m wearing it 24/7. In neon purple.