Column

Penkava: Road messages just signs of the times

I’m a sucker for a funny sign. So, when I was cruising the internet the other day looking for something to write about, I came across some hilariously creative signs out there on the roadsides. So buckle up and check these out…

Expressway electronic signs:

GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR APP AND DRIVE SAFELY

EXIT TO TEXT IT

HEY BOBBLE HEAD, STOP LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE!

NOT BUCKLED? YOU’RE KILLING ME SMALLS!

TAILGATING IS FOR FOOTBALL, NOT HIGHWAYS

DID YOU RUN OUT OF BLINKER FLUID?

SAVE WARP SPEED FOR CAPTAIN KIRK

Construction flashing signs:

YOU’LL NEVER GET TO WORK ON TIME

PREPARE TO BE ANNOYED

ROAD CLOSED – YOU’RE EXCUSED FROM WORK TODAY

THIS COULD LAST FOR DAYS

ROADWORK NEXT 8 YEARS

THERE MAY BE TROUBLE AHEAD

Signs in front of stores:

IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE’VE GOT IT!

Car wash:

ALL EMPLOYEES TRAINED BY

MR. MIYAGI

WE HAVE FAT FREE LETTUCE!

VOTED BEST BURGER BY THE COOK AND HIS MOM

DON’T LET THE DINOSAURS DIE IN VAIN – CHANGE YOUR OIL TODAY

Bookstore:

DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS MOVIE

EAT HERE OR WE WILL BOTH STARVE

FREE BRAKE CHECK – STOP HERE IF YOU CAN

Veterinarian:

IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE ENDS UP IN A CONE

Dairy Queen:

SCREAM UNTIL DADDY STOPS THE CAR

Fast food:

WE FOUND NEMO! FISH SANDWICHES ARE BACK!

Just for fun roadside signs:

ALL THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN

PSYCHOKINESIS RAISE MY HAND

IF ATTACKED BY A MOB OF CLOWNS GO FOR THE JUGGLER

I CHECKED INTO THE HOKEY POKEY CLINIC AND TURNED MYSELF AROUND

I WANT TO GROW MY OWN FOOD BUT CAN’T FIND BACON SEEDS

THE FIRST FIVE DAYS AFTER THE WEEKEND ARE THE HARDEST

PRACTICE SAFE EATING – ALWAYS USE CONDIMENTS

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

WHAT IF THERE WERE

NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

MY WIFE SAID I DIDN’T LISTEN TO HER, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

Now don’t go all distracted driving looking for funny signs. It’s a lot safer to read them in the newspaper or on the Internet than on the road. But it’s nice to know there are ones out there who are trying to make our lives a little lighter and our tempers a little shorter when we get behind the wheel.

• Michael Penkava taught a bunch of kids and wrote a bunch of stuff. One of his favorite signs is on the marquee in front of a breakfast restaurant that said, “Waffles are simply pancakes with abs.” He can be reached at mikepenkava@comcast.net.

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