Reunited: Mother, son meet 22 years after she put him up for adoption

(Valerie Tobias illustration)

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It was 1985. Pamela Ortiz was a senior in high school.

Seventeen years old and pregnant.

The baby’s father moved to Michigan, and her parents – a lawyer and a real estate broker – asked her to leave.

“I think they thought it would be easier on me because I wouldn’t have to face the people in my community and my church,” Ortiz said. “They thought it would be better for me to not be embarrassed or feel shame.”

Abortion wasn’t an option, not so much because she was against it, but because she was naive to the taboo subject. Ortiz said it never really crossed her mind.

Without support, keeping the child – a baby boy – seemed impossible. 

“From my own standpoint, I did not want to have my child struggle and watch me struggle because of a decision I made,” Ortiz said. “I decided in my sixth month that adoption was the way I was going to go.”

Ortiz didn’t use an adoption agency, instead networking through a friend who knew a couple who had lost a child due to a heart condition.

“From the day he left my arms, I’ve thought about him every day,” Ortiz said. “Time does help heal as far as the yearning and longing, but there was not one day I did not think of him.”

Reunited

Ortiz’s son found her through the Internet.

After about six months of e-mailing and talking on the phone, he surprised his birth mom by showing up in May at her Wauconda home.

“It was actually just such a relief to finally meet because we were just so worried about it,” Ortiz said. “We laughed so much when first meeting.”

But during his search, Ortiz’s son had advantages that many people who are adopted don’t have.

Ortiz would know. More than 10 years after she gave her son up for adoption, Ortiz found out that she and her older brother had been adopted at birth. She knows only that her birth mother flew in from Germany and somehow knew her adoptive mother’s now-deceased doctor, who also was from Germany.

“Forty-one years ago, adoption was very hush-hush, especially in my mother’s community,” Ortiz said. “Even the judge said it’s usually better that the child never know because it would cause a lot of strife and grief in their life.”

Ortiz’s son always knew that he was adopted, and Ortiz made sure that his adoptive parents were comfortable with him meeting with her. They provided him with her name and the fact that she was from Barrington.

“They’ve earned their titles Mom and Dad,” Ortiz said. “I certainly didn’t want to take away from what they did. They’ve earned every inch of respect and love.”

Searching

Once the forms are signed, birth parents’ rights are terminated as if there was never a  relationship, said attorney Christopher Haaff, who has been practicing family law since 1997 with a focus on adoption.

The state also does not recognize open adoptions, where a birth parent remains in contact with the adoptive parents and possibly the child, Haaff said.

“Once the adoption is finalized for 30 days, the file must be sealed, and you need a court order to get back into it,” Haaff said. “It’s not like you can go back into the file 15 or 20 years later and say, ‘I want to see.’”

But there are other resources for a birth parent looking for a child who was put up for adoption or vice versa. In 2006, the Adoption Registry and Medical Information Exchange was created.

The registry is voluntary and can be used as a communication tool. For example, a birth parent can enter information and ask an intermediary to contact the adoptive parents, who can decline to exchange information.

“You can also say, ‘I’m applying for the registry, but I don’t want to be contacted,’” Haaff said.

But, as Ortiz’s case shows, that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for finding a birth parent or child who was put up for adoption.

And although Ortiz’s reunion went well and she now talks with her son several times a week, that’s not always the case.

Nina Friedman, a post-adoption counselor for Evanston-based adoption agency The Cradle, said the person who is searching should mentally prepare for all possible outcomes.

It’s not just about whether you find the person or not; it’s possible that he or she has died, or even that the birth happened as a result of rape or incest.

“Most of the time we find the person and they’re open to contact, but you just never know,” Friedman said. “This is a relationship just like any other. Some relationships are successful; others are not.”

For information about the Illinois Adoption Registry and Medical Information Exchange program, visit www.idph.state.il.us/vitalrecords and click on "adoption."