Families must present united front against bullies

By JAMI KUNZER jkunzer@nwherald.com

Kelly Kucharski of Woodstock, and her daughter, Jada, 9, have dealt with the issue of bullying. Now, Kelly Kucharski publicly speaks on the topic. (Lauren M. Anderson - Northwest Herald)

Nine-year-old Jada lives across the hallway from her bully.

The two used to be friends. Now the girl, who’s a couple years older, tries to turn Jada’s classmates against her. She threatens her, makes fun of her and writes nasty things on her door.

It began about two years ago when the two girls shared the same baby-sitter, said Jada’s mother, Kelly Kucharski of Woodstock. At that time, Kucharski said the older girl molested Jada.

Kucharski called the police, but nothing happened because the girl was so young, she said. And it was one child’s word against another.

“I didn’t want her to go to jail, but I wanted something done,” Kucharski said. “I wanted something to be offered to my daughter. ... There should be a network to tell you what to do to counteract this for your child.”

Kucharski has sought help for her daughter through counseling services, Jada’s school and the police, but often feels helpless as she watches her struggle.

That’s why she’s sharing her family’s story. She’s joined others in McHenry County working to combat bullying. Jada went from loving school to, at one point, wishing she wasn’t alive, her mother said through tears.

“She’s just the nicest kid ever and she doesn’t know how to fight back,” she said. “She doesn’t want to make anyone else feel bad. She thinks she’s not worth being treated right. She doesn’t think she’s smart. She doesn’t think she’s pretty. ... She went into a shell.”

Kucharski, a single mother of two, works as a caregiver and is going to school to study psychology and criminal justice, motivated by what her daughter has gone through.

Moving would be difficult right now because the family lives in subsidized housing.
Reaching out

Kucharski spoke as part of a recent conference hosted by the relatively new non-profit group, Principled Minds, based in Woodstock.

Created to address topics relating to discrimination, prejudice and racism, the group has taken on bullying.

Principled Minds has hosted area conferences for teachers, parents and students on the topic, and future events are planned.

The Internet and other societal changes have altered the dynamics of bullying, in some cases making it more harsh or violent, said Harold Rail, who helped found Principled Minds.

Terms, such as “cyber-bullying,” and “relational bullying,” in which classmates are pushed out of peer groups and such, are becoming more prevalent.

“I think bullying has always been around. I think it’s taken on a new dimension now,” Rail said.
Rail also is president of Afterglow Creative, which creates educational videos mainly for non-profit agencies. Principled Minds grew out of that business as a way to offer more in-depth, longer-running and hands-on programs.

When it comes to bullying, Rail especially would like to reach children of middle school age or younger, an age group in which they can still “change.”

He’s working to put together a “day of cultural diversity” for middle school in which they can talk about the differences between one another and topics as simple as “healthy relationships.”

The efforts are meant to offer resources, raise awareness and facilitate discussion of the issue, said Joe Blanco of McHenry, who also helped found Principled Minds.

“Bullies were around when I was a kid. Not that much has changed,” he said.
“I think we’re just more sensitive to the effect of incidents that happen when kids are young and growing up and significant impact it has on them.”

Different types of bullying
Bullies can be identified at kindergarten age or even younger, said Marilyn Twining of Woodridge, who has worked with Rail and travels throughout the country as a private consultant to educators.
Twining has studied and advised on the topic of “relational aggression.”

Bullying used to be put in one category, she said, but educators now see differences, especially between boys and girls. The bullying that boys do tends to be more physical, Twining said.
With girls, particularly those from middle- to upper-class families, the bullying can be “very manipulative,” she said.

“It’s such things as spreading rumors and gossip,” she said. “Many people’s lives have been totally damaged. Parents have taken girls out and put them in another school because it’s gotten that severe.”
They will isolate other girls, telling a girl who once was part of a group of friends that she can no longer sit at the same lunch table, Twining said.

In Jada’s case, other children see how the bully treats her, her mother said.

“They think it’s OK,” Kucharski said.

Kucharski would go to the school almost daily, saying, “You need to do something. This is not good for my daughter.”

Much of the bullying is done outside the classroom or in the hallways, Twining said, and often by girls some teachers “think are wonderful.”

Twining works with teachers to identify problems and use strategies “not to develop a bully in the classroom,” she said.

It can be something as simple as not sharing test scores with other classmates, she said.
A bully will pick up on “the girl that is called on and can’t give the answer,” she said. That girl then can become a victim.

“The longer it goes, the bullying, being bullied, the harder it is to stop,” Twining said.

A victim’s story
Ryan Krause knows this all too well, as he remembers being bullied in pre-school.

Now 20, he was bullied all through his school years, eventually missing most of his senior year of high school and instead earning his GED.

Now a student at McHenry County College, he spoke at the recent Principled Minds conference about the impact bullying can have on a person.

“They just decide one person to do it to and that’s what they do,” Krause said.

Classmates would hold Krause in front of a swing, forcing him to bump a girl off the swing, then go to the principal and say he pushed her, Krause said.

During high school, he’d get pushed into lockers and such.

“The times I did push back, I ended up getting Saturday detention because they have their friends with them,” Krause said.

“If you retaliate, their friends say you started it. Who’s the dean going to believe?”

The dean would take headphones and soda bottles, but ignore classmates pushing him into a locker, he said.

Krause was diagnosed with depression and stayed in a hospital at one point.

“I wanted to start speaking about it and helping people other than myself,” he said.

• For more information on Principled Minds, call 815- 337-0550.

 

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