Scary out there

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I worry too much.

Am I doing this right? Am I screwing them up?

Will we be there on time? Have they gotten enough sleep? Are they hungry? Does she feel hot?

What is she wearing? What’s in her hair? What’s in my hair?

An endless stream of questions, big and small, run through my head daily about my kids.

I’m often doubting myself when they’re awake. And when they’re asleep, when the house is quiet, except for the occasional moan of our broken toilet, I’m feeling guilty about that harsh word or two said in frustration, that opportunity missed.

Perhaps I read too much about parenting. Do it this way. Don’t do it that way.

So much information, so much advice, it’s almost daunting.

When I think about the future, when I write stories like this about kids getting bullied, I worry more.

Because when they’re older, when they’re out there on their own, they’ll face a world full of peers and pressure and who knows what else.

“I honestly do think kids today have a lot thrown at them,” said Marilyn Twining, a mother, retired educator and adviser who works with teachers, parents and students to combat bullying.

She has studied “relational aggression,” the name given to a type of bullying that is less physical and more manipulative.

It’s especially seen among girls, Twining told me, many of whom are filled with anger and rage. They’ll push others out of peer groups, taunt and tease. Why do they do it? Numerous reasons, Twining said.

“There’s no such thing as a C-student today,” she said. “Everybody and every parent in this world expects their child to be an A-student. When I went to school, you did the best you could.”

Same goes for sports and other extracurricular activities, she said, where kids feel pressured to be the best.

“That causes a tremendous amount of inner-rage,” she said. “A child should be able to play and fail at things and find ways to come back from that.”

And many parents these days simply don’t have the support of grandparents, aunts and uncles around to help them out, Twining said.

“There’s a lot of loneliness today,” she said. “People don’t tend to have friendships like they used to. There’s certainly a change when we have to go to a computer to get our love.”

So how do you instill enough self-confidence, enough compassion in your children? How do you make them strong, good, happy?

Be firm, but positive, Twining said. Teach them to give back, and give them self-esteem, she said.

Little remarks, such as “Why can’t you tie your shoes yet?” tend to slip out, she said.

“How much does it cost to say to a little kid, ‘I like your sweater,’ instead of ‘How come your hair isn’t combed?’” Twining asked.

Most of all, just love them, she said. That, I can do.

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