Atwater: Teen tests parent’s boundaries

My son is 14 going on 20. He hangs with older kids and has already been in trouble – possession of a pot pipe at school and curfew with the police. He says he smokes pot “occasionally with my friends” and that everybody does it. He thinks we are making way too big of a deal out of nothing. Of course we are concerned. Should we drug test him? How do we know if he has a drug problem?

Let’s look at it from the kid’s point of view. First, he’s probably doing more of whatever he’s doing than he’s telling you.

Plus, he’s having what he thinks is fun. He wants to fit in, to be accepted by his peers and he thinks he already knows everything there is to know about adult decision-making. He thinks you’re, at best, out of touch with the reality of his life, and, at worst, stupid.

It’s a confusing time for him and his decisions aren’t based on anything resembling maturity because drug use delays emotional growth. He demands freedom, but is actually scared of growing up. One way to act out is drug use, and it works well at first because it appears to solve some problems. Unfortunately, it soon begins to create worse ones.

From the counselor’s point of view, kids in your son’s position are pretty predictable. The kids need kind, firm, consistent limits. This is easy when the child is 3, but becomes significantly more challenging when the child is 14. Parents may need to seriously change their parenting style to handle the new difficulties.

Usually once the process of change starts, the kid will need at least a few more bumps (consequences) before being willing to consider change.

I would agree with drug testing, not as a solution, but only as a device to gather accurate information with which to make treatment decisions.

The term “drug problem” encompasses a pretty broad range of behavior. By my standards, when someone gets in trouble and it involves drugs, that’s a drug problem. However, a drug problem can also include anything up to and including drug addiction.

I think your question is “How do I know if my son is a drug addict?” For that kind of answer I would suggest you get your son a drug evaluation by an evaluation specialist.

• Richard Atwater is a licensed clinical professional counselor. He can reached by e-mail at emplhealth@aol.com.