Thompson: Caffeine withdrawal a bad buzz

Someone once told me as I guzzled a diet cola, “Those artificial sweeteners’ll kill ya.”

Then she lit up a cigarette.

We all have our bad health habits. I have a love-hate relationship with caffeine.

As I write this, I can’t decide whether to throw an Incredible Hulk-style tantrum (Jana angry!) and tip over the pop machine in the lunchroom ... or just fall asleep under my desk.

Two Sundays ago, I decided to go cold turkey.

In summary: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuug.

Sleepiness. Headaches. The urge to bite people who smile at me. Frankly, I think I’m rabid now.

But there are reasons to live a caffeine-free life.

1. Sometimes I get a little too wired. Actually, I’m like a “Jurassic Park” velociraptor, shrieking and bouncing up and down and destroying things with my short, little arms.

2. I did a little math, and apparently, I’m spending about $30 a month on the stuff. Suze Orman would have me flogged.

3. While scrounging for a quick-fix caffeine-addiction cure online, I found a 2005 National Geographic magazine article calling caffeine addiction a mental disorder, citing a study done by a prof of behavioral biology and neuroscience from Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. Whoa! Back up there, chief! Really? Yikes.

4. It gives me heartburn, which leads to chronic whining and rummaging for antacid tablets.

I made the mistake of telling my co-workers, then letting out the occasional pathetic whine. (Sort of like I’m doing here.)

They encouraged me while sipping cans of pop.

The co-workers kept me honest. I even white-knuckled it through a lunch Wednesday with a friend at a diner, complete with soda fountain and an army of waitresses with coffee pots.

My boss, who’s known me for about nine years, probably would have detected my eyelids twitching in repressed caffeine spasms when I returned from lunch.

But by Saturday, my resolve was snuffed out.

On Sunday, I glugged a super-mega-uber fountain drink at Father’s Day lunch, mumbling happily under my breath about delicious, fantastic, mood-altering caffeine. “Oooooh. Yum. Ooooooh, maybe a refill. Slurp. Smack.”

Any progress that I made evaporated into a sticky mess like so much soda pop.

Now, at 3:30 p.m. Monday, I’m back to cold turkey.

But I might be attacking this problem the wrong way. Articles at www.medicinenet.com and www.cnn.com suggest that I gradually wean myself off the fizzy stuff. In fact, www.ehow.com had a rather elaborate six-step program.

Don’t be a hero? No problem.

Can I start with a gallon of pop?

• Jana Thompson can be reached at janathompson@nwherald.com.